MARRIAGE SUCCESS TRAINING TM

We’re sure that you know about most, if not all, of the myriad options: Keep yours, change to your partner's (with or without retaining your last name as a middle name), combined names (with and without hyphens), new names for both of you, keep yours for professional use, etc., etc.

Head spinning yet? No? Onward to Ms. or Mrs., then, or naming your kids.

And we know you've heard about most of the pros and cons: The convenience of all family members having the same surname (especially when traveling abroad); disadvantages of changing your name if you have a valuable professional identity, etc.

We’re equally sure that many premarital - and almost all married - couples have made up their minds about this issue.

And we’re just as sure that many of you will have or have already had - more, and different - feelings than you were expecting. Expect complications, whatever you decide.

It’s not unusual for your partner to have unexpected reactions to your decision as well. Then there are family and friends to contend with. Even if you don't intend it, your decision about your name has implied, symbolic meaning to yourself and others. For example:

Some men are especially sensitive to their fiancée’s decision to retain her surname. Somehow they can't get past the feeling that, at some level, she’s not fully committing to the marriage.

Likewise, some women may feel that they are giving up too much of their own identity if they adopt their husband’s surname.

Not to mention the reactions that you have to expect from friends and family if you choose one of the less conventional alternatives:

He’s taking her name? Is he a real man?

You’re both changing to a new name? What’s the matter, our family name isn't good enough for you?

Even the question of how to make name-related decisions can be contentious. Some suggest that it should be an individual decision. If, however, you and your partner are discussing and/or deciding together, we suggest using a conflict resolution process for this sometimes sensitive issue. This may also come in handy when considering how to name your children.

As with all major decisions, begin by setting a constructive atmosphere. Choose time(s) when you are resilient, not overloaded, and put aside any preconceived positions. Talk about what each of you wants (not the specific name, but what you want it to mean or symbolize). Distinguish what you want from what you need.

Next, together generate as many creative new options as you can without subjecting these to criticism. Then, look among these for win-win solutions that might meet some of your needs and/or wants. Consider what each of you is willing to do to arrive at a solution.

Above all, take time for your decision-making process, over weeks or months. Don't rush. Sometimes it can help to set a trial period: Agree to try out a solution for some set period and agree to reassess if either of you are not happy with the results. While it may seem an unnecessary complication to consider more than one name change if it doesn't work out, sometimes this is the only way to make both partners feel comfortable trying something new.

That which we call a Smith (or Smith-Jones) by any other name would smell as sweet? (More apologies to Shakespeare.)

It may help you put all of this in perspective to consider that naming is culturally relative. For example, in German tradition, at marriage the woman takes her husband’s surname first, hyphenated and followed by her surname: So, Heidi Graf marries Karl Becker and is re-named Heidi Becker-Graf. Spanish-derived custom dictates that children receive their mother’s surname, preceded by their father's: So, the child of Maria Ramirez Marcos and Juan Valdez Lopez is Pablo Valdez Ramirez.

Think through how you intend to inform others about your choice of name(s) and how you will gracefully respond to their reactions.

And when it comes to names, expect the unexpected. Even from yourself.

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Copyright 2006, Patricia S. & Gregory A. Kuhlman. You may copy this article for non-commercial use provided that no changes are made and this copyright notice, author credit and stayhitched.com source citation are included.

Marriage Success Training Newsletter - November 2005

Balancing Togetherness and Individuality

Mutuality is one of the most important aspects of marriage success. But how do you become part of a couple while maintaining a strong sense of yourself? How do you manage your need for time together and time apart? And what do you do if you and your partner have different ideas of how much time to spend together? How much time together is enough? Is there such a thing as too much togetherness? Is there a way to maintain closeness even when your work life is especially demanding of your time and attention, perhaps including prolonged separations?

Obviously, these are questions without simple answers, but research on successful marriage indicates that one key is to find the middle ground. According to David Olsen, couples who are neither too separate from one another, nor overly involved with one another are in the best position to succeed. Moderate levels of closeness are optimal. Very low or high levels of autonomy in marriage work less well. By the way, the same model applies to your relationships with your families of origin-being neither too close, nor overly distant works best.

In fact, we learn our patterns of togetherness and individuality in our families of origin. Different families have different styles. Some families emphasize closeness, while others accentuate individual needs and activities. Your partner will have different expectations shaped by their family experience, so you may have to find a new balance.

It’s common for couples to struggle over finding the "right" balance of time spent together and apart, as well as what level of closeness to maintain with one’s original family. However, your aim should be to find a cooperative rather than adversarial way to engage in this essential process.

Couples may find it challenges them both personally to make changes in style as they both steer for the middle ground by moderating extreme togetherness or autonomy. This is true whether you are both from similar positions on the closeness ‘scale’ or from different ends of the scale. It’s definitely worth the effort to find a path that works for both of you as a couple and for each individually, though. This is part of establishing a new identity as a member of unique partnership that won’t be exactly like your family’s or your partner’s family or that of any previous relationship.

One important aspect of individuality involves relationships outside of your marriage. Women are more inclined to rely on friends or relatives, in addition to their partner, for emotional support. Men, on the other hand, tend to rely more on their partner for most of their support. So women sometimes run the risk that their partner may be upset by their degree of involvement with ‘outsiders.’ Men may not have sufficient outside support during periods when their partner is less emotionally available.

Social patterns that worked well for you previously may shift after marriage to take account of new needs. For example, one person was accustomed to going out on Friday nights out with co-workers to unwind, but their partner wanted to spend Friday evenings together. You may need more time for couples friends in your social schedule after marriage, but will still want to maintain relationships with single friends. Discuss social adjustments with your partner to work out a balance that’s comfortable for both of you.

For most couples these days the challenge is finding ways to stay close enough in the face of work and other demands. Researchers like John Gottman tell us that successful couples spend a minimum of 12 to 15 hours of non-sleep, non-TV time together each week. Daily non-stress communication (even just 10 minutes) to keep in touch with each other’s lives and other daily bonding rituals also promotes your sense of togetherness.

When you’re apart, whether just for a portion of the day or for extended business travel, how you keep in touch and how you get back together can be more important that how much time you are separated. Successful couples touch base with each other at least once or twice a day, even if for just a few minutes.

They also make sure that their reunion receives some attention. Make the time and effort to renew your bond at the end of the day and at the end of the week. Develop familiar rituals that you both enjoy for reconnecting. These can be as simple as trading neck massages or enjoying a cocktail together before the TV comes on.

Couples who use these reconnecting strategies can tolerate more separation while still remaining close to each other. Couples who don’t reconnect can feel isolated from each other, even with less separation. In other words, it’s not necessarily how much you are separated, but how you manage keeping in touch and renewing your bond.

Decision-making is another realm where the tension between individuality and togetherness can be confusing for couples. If mutuality and teamwork are major factors in marriage success and happiness, how much weight should you give to your own needs and preferences relative to those of your partner?

With couples marrying later, more people than ever spend a good many years living as singles after leaving their family of origin. They become accustomed to living according to their own preferences. The individualism of American life is reinforced by advertising messages, employer expectations, cultural values, etc.

The longer you’ve been living on your own, the more you mature and develop. Maturity is obviously a plus for marriage success. But it also tends to increase your differentiation from your partner. It becomes more of a challenge to combine the lives of two highly individual people in your late twenties, than your early twenties; even more so in your thirties; and so on. In any case, few people believe that it’s a healthy approach to give up your individuality totally in marriage.

So, how to reconcile this reality of two people with important individual needs and preferences with the imperative to operate as a team in marriage?

First, be clear with yourself and your partner about your own needs and wants (and understand the difference between these), as well as, what you are will to contribute to a solution.

Sometimes it’s just a question of getting used to talking with your partner about decisions that affect you both. For example, before marriage people are accustomed to making decisions about home décor independently. You may find, however, that your partner will have an unexpected reaction if a new painting or piece of furniture suddenly appears in your home without prior consultation.

Obviously, being a team doesn’t mean that you have to agree about everything. It is important to pick your battles though. You can’t get your way about every disagreement and pushing to do so can drive up your relationship negatives.

Experts recommend treating differences, disagreements and individuality as a team matter to be managed together. Agree to allow your partner to be different in the ways that are most important to them. And insist on your own need to be an individual, as well as a partner, when it’s really important to you.

Don’t be tempted into adversarial positions, just because you are different from each other. Appreciate and nurture the healthy individuality of each other.

Talk together to work out the zones of autonomy and zones of togetherness in your relationship: For example, he loves fishing, but she doesn't share this interest. So he has his fishing outings with friends. She takes advantage of this time to pursue her passion for art, which he doesn’t share, by visiting museums and galleries with some of her friends.

Plan to keep your bond strong by learning more about practical strategies to balance togetherness and individuality that fit your relationship style and are comfortable for both genders. Enhance your intimacy, communication and conflict management skills at a Marriage Success Training seminar.

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Copyright 2005, Patricia S. & Gregory A. Kuhlman. You may copy this article for non-commercial use provided that no changes are made and this copyright notice, author credit and stayhitched.com source citation are included.

Marriage Success Training Newsletter - May 2005

Bonding & Marriage Success

Bonding is central to marriage success. That's not very surprising. The vast majority of couples planning for or contemplating marriage start off very bonded.

What is surprising for many couples, though, is the unexpected vulnerability of their initial powerful attachment. The biggest mistake that couples make is to take their bond for granted by assuming that their connection will stay strong because they love each other or with 'hard work.' But they don't have an intentional strategy to maintain the strength of their union.

Without a specific plan, most couples' attachment may grow weaker over time, whether or not they want this to happen, placing their marriage at risk. The first years of marriage are the riskiest for divorce and affairs. Couples report that "the spark is gone," or that while they still love each other, they are no longer "in love" or have "grown apart."

Some couples think that starting a family together will reinforce their bond. For many, it is the opposite. They may stay together because of their kids, but their tie to each other is actually diluted as their attachment to their children displaces their connection to each other.

What disrupts their bond, so unexpectedly?

The fact is that nature never intended for the exhilarating feelings that you experience when falling in love to endure with the same intensity over time. The brain chemistry (based on elevated levels of dopamine and norepinephrine) that underlies romantic attraction can't remain in this state very long. Nature doesn't want us to burn out. That special chemistry that drives courtship is destined to fade.

This phase of intense bond formation used to last through the wedding. But now that couples postpone marriage and often live together, it is common for passion to subside--often well before the wedding or soon thereafter.

Nature intends our initial, temporary falling-in-love bonding period to be replaced by a longer-term attachment between partners--with a totally different underlying brain chemistry (based on oxytocin and vasopressin). [Fisher, et al, 2002]

But, some of us find it easier to form and maintain these long-term bonds. According to researchers, different attachment styles rooted in early experiences with parents play an important role in bonding: Most of us have what the experts call a secure attachment style based on a comfortable balance of closeness and independence in their intimate relationships. They tend to be relatively self-confident, accepting and supportive in relationships.

Many people with colder and/or rejecting early attachment experiences continue to have some degree of difficulty with romantic bonding during adult life. They may be less comfortable with closeness and trust, find it difficult to depend on others or be depended upon. On average their relationships last about half as long as those with the more secure style.

Those whose early attachments were particularly unreliable tend to be preoccupied and obsessive in relationships, needy and vulnerable, and experience difficulty getting as close to others as they would like. They bond easily, but their relationships are the least durable.

All of these attachment styles are considered normal. But both of these less secure styles are prone to experiences of jealousy and loneliness. They also tend toward defensiveness and blame and have difficulty getting their needs met.

In addition to any bonding challenges posed by these attachment patterns from childhood, there are many realities of modern life that disrupt our longer-term attachments (even though they interfere less with the earlier phases of our relationships):

Every couple has 5 - 7 unresolvable differences, so there's a lot to disagree about once you start thinking about getting married. If you don't have good approaches to managing your differences, your disagreements will take a toll over time. Conflict can raise your level of negativity and undermine mutuality.

Then there are just the day-to-day pressures that tend to pull couples apart--jobs and careers, finances, kids, not enough time in your day. Lot's of couples don't understand that if you try to put your relationship 'on hold' while you give more attention to a new job or to children, it will be much more difficult than you imagine restoring the closeness between you.

The different approaches of the genders to many aspects of relationships, including communication and bonding, are another factor that can stress couples' feeling of closeness over time. The pursue--withdraw pattern, where one partner keeps after the other to resolve an important issue or for more closeness, while the other feels overloaded and keeps withdrawing or picking a fight to get away, is especially dangerous. This pattern is what's primarily behind the stereotypes of the 'nagging' wife and the husband who 'doesn't talk.'

The changes in sex that challenge couples over the long term, as partner novelty declines and differences in approach to sexuality get in the way, can also contribute to diminished bonding.

All of these factors can chip away at the strength of your bond, in part by disrupting the brain chemistry that underlies it. Many couples count on the strength of their initial bond to get them through these challenges and can't imagine that it might fade.

So what can couples do to avoid the seemingly inevitable slide toward greater disengagement? Well, fortunately, there's plenty. But for most couples, it doesn't happen on its own. You have to plan and strategize to keep your bond strong. And it's best to start early, just when you can't believe that you'll ever need it.

Here are some approaches that marriage success research has shown will help to keep your bond vital:

· Build positivity in your relationship. No one can avoid some negativity, but limit it. Marriage research has revealed that happy couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Couples who slip below five-to-one have a hard time restoring the balance. Repair after your fights. Don't allow prolonged periods of resentment to persist.

· Make time for your relationship--no matter what.

· Daily, non-stressful communication--continuing to keep up with each other's lives--is another bonding activity. And it's one that tends to go by the way when lives become busy. Remember how curious you were to learn the details of each other's lives when you were getting to know one another?

· Approach life as a team. Don't become adversaries, even when you disagree. Your disagreements are something that both of you must take an active role in managing. Planning and dreaming together are bonding for both genders.

· Appreciate the male need to bond through shared activities. Make time for the intimate talking that women usually prefer for bonding--but make it easier for him by scheduling it at a good time, setting a time limit on these discussions, and limiting any negativity.

· Keep your sex life active. Schedule a regular date night, especially if things are slowing down. You'll be surprised how the anticipation will whet your appetite--just like it did when you were dating. Introduce new forms of novelty to compensate for the inevitable diminishing partner novelty. Overcome any disagreements about initiating and active/passive roles by taking turns. The brain chemistry stimulated by sex is critical to renewing your bond.

· Celebrate your relationship. Develop rituals to commemorate your anniversaries and other memorable relationship milestones. Build a relationship mythology by telling your stories, such as that of how you met.

Adopting these strategies builds a bonding immunization for couples. These approaches help couples to build up a reserve of attachment that will help maintain their relationship through the inevitable stresses and challenges of contemporary married life and prevent disruption of their connection. Couples who are already experiencing tension or disengagement can revitalize their link by embracing these approaches.

Plan to keep your bond strong by learning more about practical bonding strategies that fit your relationship style and are comfortable for both genders. Enhance your intimacy, communication and conflict management skills at a Marriage Success Training seminar.

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Marriage Success Training Newsletter - January 2005

Who’s in control in your relationship?

·       Do you get frustrated because your partner avoids talking with you about things that you care about?
·       Or do you sometimes feel overloaded by your partner?
·       Do you get frustrated because you frequently disagree, even over seemingly small (or not so small) things?
·       Or does one of you tend to take charge, while the other is more prone to acquiesce?
·       Do you have too much difficulty getting your way about the things that are important to you?
·       Do you know couples who have drifted apart, so that they don’t have much in common anymore?

Each of these are common signs of underlying conflict and control issues. All can be managed -- IF you understand them. They won't go away on their own. Left unattended, they can endanger otherwise strong relationships over time.

Consider all the areas of life where there are sure to be some conflicts between even the most ‘compatible’ partners: neatness vs. messiness, caution and thrift vs. expansiveness and risk-taking, promptness vs. tardiness, more vs. less sociability, different career demands, to name just a few (without even getting into the big disageement areas--sex, in-laws, kids, etc.). It isn’t very surprising that conflict and control can be one of the most puzzling and difficult aspects of relationship facing many couples.

Since all couples--even those who have been happily married for years--have five to seven areas of unresolvable difference, how couples handle deciding whose approach will prevail is critical to marriage success. Managing control issues is one of the principal challenges of married life (and other committed relationships).

Skill-based programs (like MST) can help most couples to understand control issues and to develop new communication and conflict resolution strategies that can enable them to take a healthy, intentional and constructive approach to conflict.

Failure to take a positive, proactive approach to conflict and control can result in two general kinds of problems: Too much conflict will drive up relationship negativity, on the one hand. Or, on the other, conflict may be avoided though compliance or disengagement by one or both partners, depriving the relationship of essential mutuality. Each can put a relationship at risk over the long run.

This second problem contributes to the most common destructive pattern in male-female relationships: the pursue-withdraw syndrome, where one partner (usually the woman) keeps approaching the other about an important need or problem, while the other becomes overloaded and withdraws or superficially complies. The pursuing partner becomes more and more frustrated leading her to increase the pressure, while the withdrawer becomes more and more overwhelmed by it, resorting to flight or fight to escape. Both partners feel caught in a terrible script that just keeps replaying.

When these problems are chronic and entrenchedseem to always follow the same repeating scriptthey can cause serious trouble. Partners who enter marriage with a need to have their own way on most decisions and, especially those who need to have their partner’s (at least apparent) agreement on most things, can be headed for trouble. Partners who manage conflict by always avoid or giving-in are also putting their relationship at risk.

When control is a problem, it’s usually because one or both partners have difficulty finding the middle ground: relinquishing some control or asserting their own needs. Often these tendencies result from early upbringing and are more or less automatic--not something we necessarily understand very well about ourselves.

Compliant partners need to learn to stand up for their needs in a relationship. Most often this means learning to tolerate their own feelings about their partner’s reactions. A certain amount of self-support and self-validation is required.

Of course, it’s when you are disagreeing that you can’t expect validation to come from your partner. So if you don’t have an alternate source of support, you’re more likely to give in when you shouldn’t.

Control-oriented partner(s) need to accept more influence from their partner. Marriage research finds that accepting influence from your partner is highly correlated with marriage success for men. For women, moderating the ways that you seek to influence your partner (to make them more positive) is the other side of this finding.

A chronic need to be in control and have your way on most things is often related to underlying insecurities that sometimes have origins deep in our early childhood experiences. Likewise, always giving in can reflect a different response to similar issues.

Paradoxically, for the control-oriented person learning to give up some control can be the key to getting more of what we want and need in relationships. The paradox for the compliant is that becoming more assertive can lead to more enduring relationships. If you have difficulty modifying chronic compliant or controlling behavior, you may find individual counseling helpful in exploring and resolving underlying insecurities.

Sometimes, one or both partners need to learn to tolerate differences that cannot be resolved (at least for now). This means putting such differences aside for a time, once efforts to arrive at a compromise have been exhausted. Couples can’t always agree on every issue.

Many theorists (notably David Schnarch) describe marriage as a people-growing relationship because over time it forces all of us to ‘grow up’ and come to more realistic terms with our needs. Marriage works best for people who find ways to support themselves adequately when they and their spouse can’t agree. This means tolerating some of your differences without an absolute need to change your partner.

Relationship experts (Paul and Paul) have identified four common problem patterns that result from couples’ control issues:

Control-Compliance

The control-compliance pattern is present when one partner usually defers to the wishes of the dominant partner, even if that’s what they wish to do. In the long run, this strategy is unlikely to succeed for either partner. Their happiness will be undermined ultimately by the lack of fulfillment experienced by the compliant partner who will usually become depressed and/or resentful as a result of not having their needs met over the long term.

Even the ‘winning’ partner may sense that the vitality of the relationship has been drained by this pattern and become disenchanted.

This doesn’t mean that one partner should never give-in to the preferences of the other. Far from it. It’s important to compromise and accommodate the wishes of your partner on occasion. Each partner should do so from time to time. It’s only a problem when it’s always a particular partner who is doing the giving-in or compromising without reciprocity. Compromise, of course, means concessions from each partner. When compliance becomes a one-sided approach (one partner always giving in), though, it’s not a successful strategy.

It’s worth noting that people commonly undervalue the frequency and importance of their partner’s compromises. Naturally, they notice their own sacrifices more than those of their partner.

Power Struggle

In the control-control (or power struggle) problem pattern, neither partner is willing to give much ground. This is a particularly destructive approach because it drives up the negativity in the relationship as partners vie for control. This is a common pattern for couples with a hostile engaged relationship style.

Control-Indifference

In the control-indifference (and/or control-resistance) pattern, one partner has given up on having much influence in the relationship. This pattern can be related to the pursue-withdraw relationship pattern that can be such a problem for many couples.

Indifference-Indifference

The indifference-indifference pattern is usually not seen until later in unsuccessful relationships. It is associated with a hostile disengaged relationship style. Both partners have given up on the relationship. They may stay together, but are not fulfilled.

While these patterns show up in most relationships from time to time, chronic reliance on one or more of these control syndromes is a warning sign of a relationship on the wrong track. Corrective action is needed to preserve the long-term vitality and even viability of the relationship.

Consider skill-based marriage prep to help you steer clear of destructive conflict and control problems.

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Marriage Success Training Newsletter - September 2004

Balancing Family and Work

Family-work balance is a complex issue that involves financial values, gender roles, career paths, time management and many other factors. Hidden values and models from our cultures, original families and other sources influence our choices in ways that we often don’t anticipate or understand and that have far-reaching consequences for our lives.

Like so many of the challenges and dilemmas of marriage, balancing family and work has no easy solution-no one-size-fits-all approach. Every person and couple will have their own preferences and needs.

Many couples tell us that they have seen the drawbacks of their parents attempting to ‘do it all’ and ending up very much over-extended. Still others hope to avoid the restrictions of roles and experiences that are too narrow or mismatched for them. Couples are struggling with the relative priorities of their values family involvement, career and material goals, personal growth and fulfillment.

The most important thing we can tell you about balance: Preparation, intentionality and joint decision-making are the key to creating and maintaining the right family-work balance for you. Many couples experience extremely strong forces pulling them away from the priority that they would like their family to have. If you don’t aggressively plan your balance, these other forces will prevail. Without a clear plan and commitment to maintaining balance, time and energy for family erodes and evaporates.

Family-work balance is a process, not a static achievement. It’s important to make the ‘big decisions’ – selecting careers and jobs, timing children, allocating roles and responsibilities, etc. that will provide the opportunity for balance. The real task of balance takes place on a weekly and daily basis, even from hour to hour. This is where couples hold the line to protect family time or allow it to evaporatewhere they opt to take advantage of a family opportunity or allow other priorities to interfere.

The process nature of balance means that you can and must adjust as required. No decision, plan or approach need be permanent. If it’s not working or satisfying, you can reconsider and make changes. In fact, constant tactical adjustment and flexibility to keep on target toward your goals and priorities (but not to accommodate outside demands where limit-setting is usually more in order) is a hallmark of couples who are satisfied with their balance.

But how can you tell when you have found the right family-work balance for you and when you need to adjustmake a different plan? According to Sandy Epstein on BlueSuitMom.com, good balance, while different for everyone, is characterized by:

· Having enough time for both work and family without expending great effort, so that your life feels relatively comfortable;
·